Bringing home our adopted son, Sam, was intended to be the happy culmination of a journey that we had been preparing for for a very long time. However, unfortunately, it kicked off a series of developments that would impact my life in ways that I could not have possibly envisioned. I now realize that some blessings come with unfathomable joy, while others come shrouded in complexity that we never anticipate. This is something that I have realized after looking back.

 

My ability to remain still was severely limited on the day that we went to the agency to meet Sam. When I was holding the tiny blue sweater that I had purchased for him, my hands fidgeted with it. I imagined his little shoulders filling out the delicate fabric of the sweater.

 

I cast a quick peek in the direction of my husband, Mark, who was sitting rigidly behind the wheel. Even though he was making an effort to appear calm, his fingers were tapping nervously on the dashboard. “Are you experiencing any anxiety?” In an effort to shatter the silence that had descended upon the vehicle, I inquired.

 

While he was looking at me, he stifled a giggle. “Who am I? No. Let me just say that I am eager to get this show on the road. However, his hands were gripping the wheel so hard that the whites of his knuckles were visible. He pointed his head in the direction of the car seat that I had examined three times and remarked, “I’m pretty sure you’re the nervous one on this one.”

 

 

 

 

I was, without a doubt, anxious. For years, we had been anticipating this moment, and I wanted everything to go off without a hitch. Managing every aspect of our adoption procedure, including diligently filling out an unending amount of paperwork and going through home studies, had taken me countless hours throughout the process.

 

Mark informed me that he was supportive of the adoption process, despite the fact that he was busy with his expanding business and wasn’t as involved in the day-to-day activities of the process. Upon realizing that the process of adopting an infant might take several years, I started thinking about adopting older children, and it was then that I came across Sam’s photograph. I was immediately drawn to him because of his timid grin and sparkling blue eyes.

 

After bringing Sam home, the first few days were filled with a rush of experiences and feelings. When I watched him explore his new surroundings, I couldn’t help but feel elated whenever I did so. However, I also quickly realized how much adjustment he would require. Sam was three years old, and despite the fact that he was a fairly cheerful youngster up until that point, it was understandable that he had difficulty trusting his new environment.

 

His childhood had left him with wounds, as he had been placed in foster care from the time he was an infant. The loud chuckle that Mark would make would cause him to shy away, and he would frequently cling to me, refusing to let me leave his sight. Even though I was pleased to be there for him, it seemed as though Mark was getting further and further away with each passing day.

 

My increased commitment to Sam resulted in a change in the routines that we followed. Bedtime stories, tantrums, and unending patience have taken the place of more straightforward activities, such as date nights or weekends spent lounging about.

 

At first, I believed that Mark would eventually discover his own way to form a connection with Sam; but, he continued to be reserved and his involvement was restricted. I started to feel the burden of being a single parent, and as my days became more and more centered around Sam, Mark appeared to be concentrating more and more on his work.

 

One evening, after I had finally succeeded in getting Sam to sleep, I discovered Mark sitting in the living room by himself, nursing a glass of whiskey under the cover of darkness. As I sat next to him, I hoped that I could help bridge the growing gap that is between us. You should be proud of him, Mark. I repeated it in a soft voice, “It’s just… an adjustment.”

 

He gazed at me with eyes that were exhausted. “I am aware that you have feelings for him, but I am having a hard time, Anna. He acknowledged that this was not what he had anticipated. “I was thinking… For some reason, I have the impression that I am a stranger in my own home, whereas I had anticipated feeling more attached.

 

I was hurt by the words, but I understood them. Despite the fact that adoption can be difficult, we had not adequately prepared ourselves for the reality of the situation. Despite the fact that I wanted to console him, I was already overburdened with my own responsibilities, and both of us were stuck in our own emotions of alienation and inadequacy about ourselves. Unfortunately, we were unable to find the support that we required from one another.

 

 

 

 

We went through a period of time in which our family life was full of both highs and lows. The first steps that Sam took toward trusting me brought me an incalculable amount of delight. For example, when he gripped my hand securely when we were walking through the park, or when I read his favorite storybook to him, he would light up with excitement.

 

However, every time there was a moment of happiness, there was also a moment of tension with Mark. As he immersed himself more deeply in his work, he frequently arrived home late, his eyes seeming distant, and I had the impression that we were both secretly preparing ourselves for an impending storm.

 

On a specific evening, following a particularly uncomfortable meal in which Mark appeared to be missing more than ever before, I confronted him after I had put Sam to bed. “Mark, you might as well not be here. Without you, I feel as like I am raising Sam all by myself, and I have no idea how I will be able to accomplish this.

 

He heaved a substantial sigh before setting his fork down. “Anna, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to pull this off. I was completely unaware that it would feel like this.

 

Even though my vision was clouded by tears, I made a conscious effort to answer. This means that you are going to give up on us, right? Regarding him?

 

The words “I’m not giving up” came out of his mouth as his voice broke. “I’m just… confused. I imagined that I would be able to deal with this, but I’m not sure if I’m the kind of father he requires.

 

At that very instant, I became aware that both of us required assistance. Despite the fact that adoption had pushed our difficulties to the forefront, it was not the root cause of our difficulties. We had to get back in touch with one another and figure out a way to work together once more, not only for Sam but also for ourselves.

 

It was a place where we could freely discuss our anxieties and disappointments, and therapy turned out to be a lifeline for us. Neither was it a quick remedy, nor were there any simple solutions to the problem. It was necessary for everyone of us to face our expectations, our disappointments, and our hopes and dreams of what a family arrangement would be like.

 

Over the course of time, Mark started to become more open with Sam, discovering moments of connection that were superficial yet genuine. He would read bedtime stories to Sam, gradually establishing a connection with him in his own unique way, and Sam would eventually begin to trust him. Even though it was a precarious progress, it was nevertheless real.

 

Even in this day and age, our family is still unfinished business. Together, we are gaining the knowledge and skills necessary to successfully negotiate the challenges of adoption and parenthood. We have discovered resiliency in the face of all the suffering, and although we may not have the picture-perfect family that I previously envisioned, we do have something real: a family that is constructed on the moments of love, patience, and understanding that were earned through significant struggle.

 

It is true that some presents come with a lot of pain, and there are times when life teaches us things that we did not ask for. However, as I gaze upon Sam, who is soundly asleep with his small hand resting in mine, I am aware that the road, despite the fact that it has been challenging, has bestowed upon me a gift that cannot be quantified.